So I know by now I've beat you over the head with the fact that I work at a Big Nameless Retail Store. Two or three times a year, someone invents something borderline retarded that spreads like wildfire and is sold out nationwide. It usually serves no purpose whatsoever, and is ridiculously overpriced. This has led me to a new list. Stupid Inventions. Some of them popular, others, hopefully, not so much.
I'm sure they have these kinds of inventions in other countries as well, but the ones mentioned here may be U.S. specific, so I apologize for that. For my readers outside the U.S., if you have any stupid inventions to add to the list, feel free to leave them in the comment section so everyone can check them out.
Also, so I am not sued by LIFE Magazine for plagiarism I would like to add that several of these stupid inventions were borrowed from their website. The official article can be found here.
My List of Super Stupid Inventions
Stupid Invention #189
When a leash simply doesn't do the trick:
The Dog Restrainer
Stupid Invention #526
Snuggies. Has no one ever heard of a robe? These things were sold out BNRS wide come Christmas time... And I just don't fucking get it!!! For a hilarious parody of the Snuggie, check out The WTF Blanket. This kid says it way better than I ever could.
Please folks, nobody wants to see your Snuggies in public...
Stupid Invention #871
Pixos. Formerly known as Aquadots. Which were not only a massive sell out, but a massive recall. Apparently they were made in China and contained toxic materials otherwise known as Lead. Now you can use water to stick your dots together!!!
Stupid Invention #344
Sunglasses that DON'T shade you from the sun. You know, when you only want a partial view of the world.
To Quote LIFE: "It was a bad idea then, it's a bad idea now. Sorry Kanye."
Stupid Invention #85
iPads. They are stupid. I'm sorry. No offense to iPad owners (I'm an Apple/Mac lover myself), but they are completely, irrevocably, unbelievably, unequivocally STUPID. And they are pretty much sold out all over the United States, while other countries are just itching to get their hands on one. I saw a woman at BNRS with one the other day, presumably checking the items off her shopping list. I laughed out loud at her before I could cover it up. It is insane to think that bringing your iPad shopping with you is more convenient then a pen and paper. They are smaller than regular laptops, yet a thousand times more awkward. I mean seriously, imagine sitting at your desk trying to type on your iPad. Anyway, from the same guy that gave us the WTF blanket, comes the iPad parody.
Stupid Invention #212
Wii Fits. Why hula hoop for real when you can do it virtually? Right? Right? Doesn't that sound like the most awesome idea ever? BESIDES that, you can pay a whopping $80 plus tax for this awesome virtual hula hoop, when a regular hula hoop would cost you a mere $4.99. Who needs free push ups when you can pay $80 to have a virtual coach tell you how to do them? Right? RIGHT?! A year and a half later, this moronic invention is still almost impossible to find.
Stupid Invention #475
The Certain Death Cancer Giver
When one cigarette simply isn't enough...
Stupid Invention #452
How to Lose All Your Friends in 5 Minutes or Less:
You know, just in case you aren't already a complete loser.
Stupid Invention #902
Snuggies for Dogs. If your dog doesn't hate you already, he/she will after you force them to wear this. I'd give you an awesome link to a parody commercial of this, but the real commercial does a pretty good job of being just plain idiotic on its own. The Snuggie for Dogs' only selling point is that other dog sweaters are "too tight fitting, and too hard to put on your dog." If the mood compels you, check them out here.
Stupid Invention #660
The Baby Cage.
Just in case you're having a Michael Jackson moment...
Now you can do it the safe way!!
Stupid Invention #378
Bakugan. I still don't entirely understand this one. They're like little balls boys throw at each other while slapping "battle cards" down on the table. Then little plastic "Bakugan" pop out of the ball or something and they battle. Or something. These were sold out for like six months straight. A lot of disappointed kids did not get a Baku-ball under their Christmas tree that year. Can someone explain these to me? I really DON'T get them.
Stupid Invention #117
Zhu Zhu Pets. Are like motorized Furby's that don't talk. Apparently they make "hamster noises". Also, (from the official Zhu Zhu Pet site) I thought this was hilarious:
CAUTION: Motorized wheel toys have the potential for hair entanglement
To prevent entanglement, keep hair away from wheels.
If hair gets caught by winding around a wheel, simply stop the wheel by firmly grabbing it. Next, press the back or head button once to stop motor from running. Next, slowly unwind hair from axle by turning the wheel by hand.
Zhu Zhu Hamsters™ are not designed to be a sleep toy, remove the batteries if your child wishes to take it to bed.
Also from the official Zhu Zhu Pet site are the instructions:
This was sold out for so long that I actually didn't even know we carried them at BNRS because I'd never even seen one on the shelf.
Stupid Invention #2
The Hubbard Electrometer:
LIFE says: "L. Ron Hubbard uses his Hubbard Electrometer to determine wether tomatoes experience pain, 1968. His work led him to the conclusion that tomatoes 'scream when sliced.'"
Stupid Invention #1
Goofy/Silly Bands. Are currently impossible to find. And for 4.99 you can get a whole package of 24 ridiculously shaped rubber bands. I'd like to add a few quotes from the website:
What are Silly Bands?
Silly Bandz are silicone rubber band bracelets that come in various shapes including basic, zoo animal, pet animal, dinosaur, sea creature, holiday, alphabet, princess, western and (seasonally) swim suit. Each pack of silly bands contains 24 pieces in 6 different styles, with the exception of the alphabet pack which contains 36 pieces. These silly rubber band bracelets are fun for all ages!
What is so special about rubber band bracelets?
The silly rubber band bracelets are special in a very important way. You can slide these silicone bracelets on your wrist and, when you remove them, they pop back into their original shape! Is that cool or what?
What can I do with my Silly Bands?
The possibilities here are endless! We have seen people wear Silly Bandz as bracelets, make them into a necklace or earrings, flick them at others, trade them, collect them, wrap them around important papers or love notes, use them to put hair in a pony tail, create an animal rubber band farm, and many other cool applications.
This is some kind of sick joke right? For 4.99 plus tax or shipping and handling you can get a package of 24 rubber bands in a ridiculous shape such as a car, plane, or ice cream cone, that you can, and I quote "wrap around important papers or love notes".
Why? Why? WHY?!!!
At the risk of being redundant I'm going to end this post with another:
"I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!"