Thursday, June 3, 2010

Stupid Inventions for Stupid People

So I know by now I've beat you over the head with the fact that I work at a Big Nameless Retail Store. Two or three times a year, someone invents something borderline retarded that spreads like wildfire and is sold out nationwide. It usually serves no purpose whatsoever, and is ridiculously overpriced. This has led me to a new list. Stupid Inventions. Some of them popular, others, hopefully, not so much.

I'm sure they have these kinds of inventions in other countries as well, but the ones mentioned here may be U.S. specific, so I apologize for that. For my readers outside the U.S., if you have any stupid inventions to add to the list, feel free to leave them in the comment section so everyone can check them out.

Also, so I am not sued by LIFE Magazine for plagiarism I would like to add that several of these stupid inventions were borrowed from their website. The official article can be found here.

My List of Super Stupid Inventions

Stupid Invention #189
When a leash simply doesn't do the trick:
The Dog Restrainer

Stupid Invention #526
Snuggies. Has no one ever heard of a robe? These things were sold out BNRS wide come Christmas time... And I just don't fucking get it!!! For a hilarious parody of the Snuggie, check out The WTF Blanket. This kid says it way better than I ever could.

Please folks, nobody wants to see your Snuggies in public...

Stupid Invention #871
Pixos. Formerly known as Aquadots. Which were not only a massive sell out, but a massive recall. Apparently they were made in China and contained toxic materials otherwise known as Lead. Now you can use water to stick your dots together!!!

Stupid Invention #344
Sunglasses that DON'T shade you from the sun. You know, when you only want a partial view of the world.
To Quote LIFE: "It was a bad idea then, it's a bad idea now. Sorry Kanye."

Stupid Invention #85
iPads. They are stupid. I'm sorry. No offense to iPad owners (I'm an Apple/Mac lover myself), but they are completely, irrevocably, unbelievably, unequivocally STUPID. And they are pretty much sold out all over the United States, while other countries are just itching to get their hands on one. I saw a woman at BNRS with one the other day, presumably checking the items off her shopping list. I laughed out loud at her before I could cover it up. It is insane to think that bringing your iPad shopping with you is more convenient then a pen and paper. They are smaller than regular laptops, yet a thousand times more awkward. I mean seriously, imagine sitting at your desk trying to type on your iPad. Anyway, from the same guy that gave us the WTF blanket, comes the iPad parody.

Stupid Invention #212
Wii Fits. Why hula hoop for real when you can do it virtually? Right? Right? Doesn't that sound like the most awesome idea ever? BESIDES that, you can pay a whopping $80 plus tax for this awesome virtual hula hoop, when a regular hula hoop would cost you a mere $4.99. Who needs free push ups when you can pay $80 to have a virtual coach tell you how to do them? Right? RIGHT?! A year and a half later, this moronic invention is still almost impossible to find.

Stupid Invention #475
The Certain Death Cancer Giver
When one cigarette simply isn't enough...

Stupid Invention #452
How to Lose All Your Friends in 5 Minutes or Less:

You know, just in case you aren't already a complete loser.

Stupid Invention #902
Snuggies for Dogs. If your dog doesn't hate you already, he/she will after you force them to wear this. I'd give you an awesome link to a parody commercial of this, but the real commercial does a pretty good job of being just plain idiotic on its own. The Snuggie for Dogs' only selling point is that other dog sweaters are "too tight fitting, and too hard to put on your dog." If the mood compels you, check them out here.

Stupid Invention #660
The Baby Cage.
Just in case you're having a Michael Jackson moment...
Now you can do it the safe way!!

Stupid Invention #378
Bakugan. I still don't entirely understand this one. They're like little balls boys throw at each other while slapping "battle cards" down on the table. Then little plastic "Bakugan" pop out of the ball or something and they battle. Or something. These were sold out for like six months straight. A lot of disappointed kids did not get a Baku-ball under their Christmas tree that year. Can someone explain these to me? I really DON'T get them.

Stupid Invention #117
Zhu Zhu Pets. Are like motorized Furby's that don't talk. Apparently they make "hamster noises". Also, (from the official Zhu Zhu Pet site) I thought this was hilarious:

CAUTION: Motorized wheel toys have the potential for hair entanglement

To prevent entanglement, keep hair away from wheels.

If hair gets caught by winding around a wheel, simply stop the wheel by firmly grabbing it. Next, press the back or head button once to stop motor from running. Next, slowly unwind hair from axle by turning the wheel by hand.

Zhu Zhu Hamsters™ are not designed to be a sleep toy, remove the batteries if your child wishes to take it to bed.

Also from the official Zhu Zhu Pet site are the instructions:

This was sold out for so long that I actually didn't even know we carried them at BNRS because I'd never even seen one on the shelf.

Stupid Invention #2
The Hubbard Electrometer:

LIFE says: "L. Ron Hubbard uses his Hubbard Electrometer to determine wether tomatoes experience pain, 1968. His work led him to the conclusion that tomatoes 'scream when sliced.'"

Stupid Invention #1



Goofy/Silly Bands. Are currently impossible to find. And for 4.99 you can get a whole package of 24 ridiculously shaped rubber bands. I'd like to add a few quotes from the website:

What are Silly Bands?

Silly Bandz are silicone rubber band bracelets that come in various shapes including basic, zoo animal, pet animal, dinosaur, sea creature, holiday, alphabet, princess, western and (seasonally) swim suit. Each pack of silly bands contains 24 pieces in 6 different styles, with the exception of the alphabet pack which contains 36 pieces. These silly rubber band bracelets are fun for all ages!

What is so special about rubber band bracelets?

The silly rubber band bracelets are special in a very important way. You can slide these silicone bracelets on your wrist and, when you remove them, they pop back into their original shape! Is that cool or what?

What can I do with my Silly Bands?

The possibilities here are endless! We have seen people wear Silly Bandz as bracelets, make them into a necklace or earrings, flick them at others, trade them, collect them, wrap them around important papers or love notes, use them to put hair in a pony tail, create an animal rubber band farm, and many other cool applications.

This is some kind of sick joke right? For 4.99 plus tax or shipping and handling you can get a package of 24 rubber bands in a ridiculous shape such as a car, plane, or ice cream cone, that you can, and I quote "wrap around important papers or love notes".

Why? Why? WHY?!!!

At the risk of being redundant I'm going to end this post with another:

"I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!"

26 comments:

  1. Love it. Another that is silly... the pet rock. "No worries kids, you can't kill it, even if you drop it from the penthouse!"

    And, my husband will be one of those people who get the ipad - as soon as the second generation comes out, and (in his words, not mine) as soon as he becomes "more important".

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi S. I like that cigarette holder. I always thought things that take up room on your counter and exist solely to perform one function (i.e. can openers, chopomatics) were pretty annoying. But I would sell them if anyone would buy them. Also, who ever thought up the word "Penthouse" to describe the best apartment in the building? I guess that is neither here nor there. I also question the existence of jewelry, makeup, hair salons, hair products, and haute couture, but I use them. Well, except for the haute couture part. Target is probably not considered very haute, right? Whoops. Going now. Chicken

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jessica and Chicken - If you happen to check back on this post, I would like to note that I accidentally published it before I was done. So please feel free to continue to read the rest of the list because I think you only got about half of it. My bad.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hahaha. Fabulous list. When I first read the words "stupid inventions" I immediately thought of the iPad. Glad it made it on your list.

    However, I've always really really wanted a rubber band shaped like a hot dog. So now that I know about Silly Bands, I will be heading over to that site to dump $9 (figure it costs $4 for shipping) into acquiring one. Thank you so much for letting me know that those exist! I owe you one!

    (Second part of this comment is entirely sarcastic, in case you can't tell. :D)

    ReplyDelete
  5. lalalalalalauren - lol I was pretty sure you were being sarcastic but I'm glad you reaffirmed it. With some people you really just never know...

    haha just kidding. I have more faith in the musical advice columnist than that.

    ReplyDelete
  6. "create an animal rubber band farm"
    because you still had friends after the toilet paper hat?

    ReplyDelete
  7. SJ - As it turns out, yes you still had one friend after wearing the toilet paper hat. He was the idiot standing next to you wearing the other toilet paper hat. Unfortunately he stopped being your friend after you started "flicking [silly bandz] at others." Others meaning the only friend you had left.

    ReplyDelete
  8. S. Ju know what I am going to say, right? Of course you do. You left it WIDE OPEN.
    Tomato. Hey Tomato. Hey. Hey Tomato....
    knife.
    Arrrggghhhhhtttghhhh
    Also, there is nothing stupid about baby cages, and littleb would like a zhu zhu pet to keep him company in his cage. Now, does that come with a wheel? Fortunately, he has very little hair to get caught.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I was waiting for the shout-out to the snuggie for dogs!

    My stupid invention: Have you seen those shake weight things? How can you not think dirty thoughts when you see the commercial?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Zhu zhu pets do not sound anything like hamsters... unless hamsters have a maniacal giggle and like to make a sound like a motor boat (and not the mechanical kind...)

    I would know. My mom found them for $7 at a CVS and bought 1 for each of my kids.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Chicken - Yes I believe you can purchase a wheel for your Zhu Zhu pet. And I'll just bet Little B will love his cage.

    Jennifer - Fortunately I don't think too many people have bought into the whole "Snuggies for Dogs" trend. Everywhere I've seen them they've been on clearance, so this gives me a little bit of reassurance. And yes, while I haven't seen the commercial for shake weights, I have seen them at BNRS, and all I could think of was dirtiness.

    MX3 - I'm sorry you have to listen to the maniacal giggling of the Zhu Zhu pets. Your kids should consider themselves pretty lucky because other kids all across the country are just dying to get their sticky nasty little hands on these and can't because they are sold out. Also, just a side note, make sure your kids keep their hair away from the motorized wheel. If they do by accident get their hair entangled, you should follow the instructions above to fix the problem.

    ReplyDelete
  12. these are unquestionably stupid inventions. and what's up with that cigarette holder? hahaha! they can't wait to kill themselves.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I thought I'd seen a lot of stupid things over the years but wow. I'm impressed at what you found and truly amazed by the stupidity that ensues when people think its "the next big thing". Hah! Thanks for this!

    ReplyDelete
  14. oh and the baby cage if absolutely priceless.

    ReplyDelete
  15. S. Hey S. Check out this blog. Ju gonna love it. Read the series called, "Sorry Darwin". The blogger is a lifeguard and conflicted because she feels her job may be interfering with Natural Selection. http://www.insolenceisbliss.com/
    She reminds me of you and the writing is brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  16. janjan - yes I also thought the cigarette holder was hilarious and stupid. I'm not even sure you could take one puff without killing yourself on the spot.

    Ella - I'm glad you share my joy in stupid inventions. Amazingly I think the baby cage might have been popular back in the day as they had several photos of these on google.

    Chicken - I checked out the "Sorry Darwin". It is indeed hilarious.
    P.S. Do you know that you keep spelling "you" as "Ju"? Did I miss something here?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ha! Great list! Stupid Invention #475 must be called "suicide." And that tissue holder totally looks silly. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. the snuggie is very fuckin stupid and whats wrong ith using a regular blanket.

    ReplyDelete
  19. S. Sometimes I write with a Chilean accent.

    ReplyDelete
  20. THANK YOU.

    For introducing me to the wtf blanket videos. My BFF is obsessed with his snuggie and it bugs the hell out of me.

    FOLLOWED.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Gnetch - Thanks for stopping by! Glad you liked my list. Yes Stupid Invention #475 should be called suicide.

    joeknows - Haven't you heard? The snuggie is for people who don't know how to use a regular blanket. Also, if you haven't seen it already, the WTF blanket videos are indeed hilarious. I would have embedded it here, but as a relatively new blogger I'm still figuring out how to do this.

    Chicken - I apologize for my ignorance. It's not everyday I meet someone who writes with a Chilean accent.

    Margaret - Your welcome! Don't worry about your friend. Maybe we can start a group for him, Snuggie Lovers Anonymous. This is something that would bug the hell out of me too. My boyfriend also likes snuggies but lucky for me he hasn't bought one and hopefully I can save him before it's too late.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I still am stuck on the silly rubber bands. They blow my mind...

    ReplyDelete
  23. Bwahaha! I had a friend receive these as a "going away" present from her job...she was like "Awesome- you gave me a fucking pack of rubber bands. I guess I'll be missed."

    This seriously made my day!

    ReplyDelete
  24. EPIC post! like the EPIC MOVIE :)
    Indian too have is so much more stupid stuff out there. they are not popping at my head right now though.

    let me do some research myself and post about it.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Mei - I hope they blow your mind in a good way... as in, you think they're as stupid as I think. As in, they're borderline retarded. Seriously. Insane.

    Mademoiselle Hautemess - 1st of all, I LOVE your screen name. That's awesome. 2ndly, it sounds like your friend received a pretty shitty "going away" present. Almost anything else would have been better. She probably works with a bunch of tools. I feel sorry for her.

    Amogh - Haha, glad you liked it!! I'll be looking forward to the Indian version of the Stupid Inventions list.

    ReplyDelete