Monday, May 31, 2010

Ergh!!! Attack of the Space Invaders!!

No I haven't lost my mind. And no, I'm not talking about E.T. Nor am I referring to the video game. Or the movie. (Was that a movie?) I'm talking about those strangers you meet everyday who have no idea what the terms "personal space" or "get the fuck out of my space bubble" mean. You know the ones.

The ones behind you in line at Dunkin' Donuts who think that just because you move your big toe an inch forward the line has advanced and they can now move two feet forward.

The ones who are about to drive their front bumper up your tailpipe while sitting in traffic.

The ones who for every step you back away from them, take another step forward.

The ones who give you unwanted hugs and handshakes.

The ones at BNRSs (Big Nameless Retail Stores) who think that in order for you to hear their question they must have their face an entire two inches away from yours.

They are often creepy and sometimes smell bad and are always stupid.

I am plagued by Space Invaders. Perhaps this is because my personal space bubble is so big. I mean like, if I am not on a first name basis with you, or haven't seen you in five years, then you should be standing a full 5 feet away from me at any given moment. No I don't want to give you a hug. I don't care if your uncle is Jean Claude Van Damme, stay the hell away from me. Don't even try to let your shirt sleeve rub mine. If I haven't seen you in 5 years, there's probably
a reason for that. If I'm not on a first name basis with you, you should probably also assume I don't want to be. Get me?

This little plague often prevents me from enjoying simple things. For example, I am wary of going to any place that is guaranteed to have throngs upon throngs of strange people just milling about (i.e. carnivals, fairs, concerts, etc. etc. etc.). I can't even go to the beach on a Saturday because I am just certain it will be too crowded and somebody else will lay their beach towel down within two inches of mine. Next would come the small talk. Then the breathing down my neck. Then me storming home utterly pissed off that someone dare ruin my day at the beach.

Lately this problem seems to have gotten worse.

Recently a fire broke out in the basement of the most popular Dunkin' Donuts in town. So now, it seems everyone and their fucking mother is at my Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah I said it. My Dunkin' Donuts. Before tragedy struck, I never had to wait in line. I never had to place an order because the people there knew me. I simply walked in the door, and a few seconds later my coffee was on the counter. Nice and simple.

Now I walk in the door, and I stand in line. I am later and later for work every day because the line gets longer and longer. No one knows my order anymore because they had to hire so many new people to keep up with the increase in business. I have to park in the "no parking" zone because there are never any parking spaces available. And I have to fend off the Space Invaders.

The other day I was in line. Waiting as patiently as possible when one of them attacked. I was rounding the final corner to the counter and there he was. Breathing down my neck. I took a step forward. He took two. I took a step to the right. He starts leaning on the wall. Slowly, I inch my way forward, so as not to draw attention to the growing distance between us. Suddenly I find myself only inches away from the guy in front of me with Space Invader still breathing down my neck. I begin panicking. I start having heart palpitations and am finding it almost impossible to breathe. It was a mother fucking nightmare.

The next day I find myself at the deli. Waiting patiently in a far off corner for the deli guy to get me a half pound of cheese. There wasn't anymore out front so he had to go "out back" and get it. A woman pulls her shopping cart up next to mine. The other deli guy calls her number. She places an order. Since my enormous fear of Space Invasion causes me to watch everyone
carefully, I notice in my peripheral vision, that the lady is glancing down at the space directly in front of me. I look down. I made the mistake of standing in front of the flat breads and tortillas.

Space Invader: (*inching closer*)

Me: (*inching away*)

Space Invader: (*Pushing her cart into mine*)

Me: (*Turning my cart in the exact opposite direction*)

Space Invader: (*Is determined to have her cart touching my cart*)

Me: "Am I in your way?"

Space Invader: (*Smiling*) "Oh no not at all hun, I'm just looking for the low carb tortillas." (*Now standing directly next to me, leaning over the tortilla rack*)

Me: (*Mentally screaming "where the hell is that deli guy?!!*) "I think they're right there." (*Pointing directly to the low carb tortillas directly in front of where I made the mistake of standing*)

Space Invader: "Oh there they are!" (*Practically shoving me out of the way to get to the low carb tortillas.*)

Me: (*Moving farther to the left so that she doesn't run me over in her rush to gather up the low carb tortillas*)

Space Invader: (*After digging through the pile of low carb tortillas, has decided that none of them are to her liking and decides to start digging through the rest of the tortillas, and is now once again standing directly in front of me.*)

Me: "Are you sure I'm not in your way?! Because I can move." (*Eyeballing the deli area and realizing that I'm pretty much screwed if I'm standing anywhere within eyesight of the deli counter. Also suddenly realizing that 1 Space Invader is better than 3.*)

Space Invader: (*Now somehow angry at me*) "No you're fine right where you are."

Me: (*Well that's good to know, BITCH, because I was standing here FIRST!!!*)

Deli Guy: "Here's your cheese."

Me: "Thank fucking God."

Visually, it probably looked like this:

Am I the only one who suffers from this plague? Am I just weird? Is there no such thing as personal space? Is it wrong of me to become infuriated when Space Invaders' carts touch mine?

I'd like to end this with a cumulative What The Fuck.


  1. Lol! The only time I notice the space thing is when I'm driving, but that's for safety reasons. But I'm terribly oblivious, so people can get close to me and it doesn't bother me too much.

    I dare you to get close to them when they get close to you. See how THEY like it!

  2. That is hilarious. Its like in the cinema when some pillock decides that the seat next to you is the best one despite the largely empty theatre, space invaders truly deserve a WTF?

  3. Hahaha! I hate it too when strangers lean close to me like we were close friends or something. It would take all of my strength not to scream WTF on their face.

  4. So, I don't have the strength you have to keep my inner dialogue to myself. I usually tell the people to back off and usually in a very rude manner.


    I love TJ Maxx and shop there pretty frequently, I mean who doesn't enjoy a good deal! Anyways, I was checking out one day and this woman just stood right behind me as if to hurry up a situation I clearly couldn't control. I tried really hard to ignore it. Then it came time to pay.. I swiped my card and the maching prompted me to enter my pin. By this time, the woman was on my heels, standing right next to me. I turned to her and said..

    "Look, if you don't back off, we will have problems. You don't get to watch me enter my pin. EVER. So get the hell away from me."

    The 65 year old woman promptly backed off.

    My rudeness was probably uncalled for, but it did the trick..

    I should probably learn to control that...

  5. Small children space invaders are the worst. Runny nose, sticky hands, saggy diaper...and all up on my leg and in my kids' business. Find another friend, you little weirdo. And tell your mom to get some frickin' Wet Ones.

  6. My space bubble is huge too. Sometimes I wish I actually had a real bubble, like the bubble boy in that episode of Seinfeld. Then nobody would ever get up in my fucking business. I'm already annoyed being at the grocery store in the first place (and the deli can be terrifying because there is no organized line and there is so much to choose from and so much pressure from all the people tapping their toes waiting for you to selecto Boarshead or Publix brand oven roasted or honey gold ham) so add someone getting dangerously close to touching me, I FREAK OUT. Love this post.

  7. You--like me--need the shirt based on this webcomic (!

  8. Fin - You probably actually side with the majority of the world on this one. Most people seem to think that this little plague of mine is actually incredibly silly.

    SJ - I HATE it when strangers sit next to me in an otherwise empty theater. I hate it so much in fact, that this usually causes me to switch spots.

    janjan - I'm so glad I'm not alone on this one!!

    Ella - The Space Invaders that seem to be under the false impression that the closer they are to the register means that the line is moving faster are the WORST ones!! I hate these people because no matter how far forward you move they are RIGHT there! They SUCK!!! lol Okay rant over. Anyway, more power to you. I wish I had the nerve to tell these people to fuck off.

    MX3 - lol! I don't have kids myself so I don't actually run into this problem a whole lot, but your right! The dirtiest kids are the ones that always wanna touch you the most too! Some little girl last month at the zoo ran up to me with the dirtiest stickiest nastiest hands you've ever seen in your life and wiped them off on me! Then she looks up at me, and runs away!! I was PISSED!! And the mother was nowhere in sight for me to even tell to get her little brat some fucking Wet Ones!!

    Twist - Oh good. I was beginning to think I was the only one who thought deli's were terrifying. There is one slight difference between us though. I'm what you would call passive aggressive, so when most of the world is pissing me off, I have no problem pretending to take half an hour to decide on the Boarshead (I love Boarshead!) or the store brand. The Housewives of Kent County can just tap tap tap their little feet away. It actually gives me some kind of sick satisfaction knowing I'm the reason they're missing the newest episode of Oprah.

    Rie - Sadly, even if I was wearing this t-shirt (which is awesome) people still wouldn't get the clue. I would end up wearing it everywhere I go, "AHEM!" -ing very loudly, and then pointing down at it and screaming "DON'T YOU FUCKING GET IT??!! GO AWAY!!!" Eventually I would have to bedazzle the shirt with red flashing lights and screaming fire engine horns just so people would get the hint. Of course, when that happens no one will want to stand near me anyways and it would therefore defeat the purpose. Maybe I should give it a try...

  9. I'm exactly like you... I HATE people getting in my space. I'm not really a hugger (other than family or a quick hello/goodbye hug to friends), but I have some friends who are touchers and hangers - drives me up the wall!

    One that really drives me nuts - the almost line jumpers when you're waiting to get on an airplane - if I have a rollerbag, I try to make myself as wide as possible so people stay away... and I use whatever shoulder bag I have to keep them back.

  10. The best tactic for when people are standing to close to you, is to start doing some aerobics while your waiting in line. A few elbows to their stomach later they should be sufficiently backed off.

    If not, then you may have to go to plan B which involves acting like you have an extremely communicable disease, or a cold. Sneeze repeatedly, cough like an 80 year old grandma with pneumonia, blow your nose in a tissue then toss it over your shoulder. Basically do whatever it takes.

    If all else fails, I'd recommend one of those machines that makes the farting sounds. Just place it in your back pocket, the wireless remote can be put on your key chain, and use when necessary. ;)

  11. Jessica - I don't travel a whole lot, but GREAT point about the roller bag. Next time I fly I'll make it a point to buy a roller bag with the longest handle possible and just roll it around me in circles like a crazy person!!

    Phoenix - lol! I'm not sure why these thoughts never occurred to me, but these are also great points. I really love the aerobics idea. Maybe I can lose weight while simultaneously keeping people out of my space bubble.

  12. Hi S. Chicken here. Sorry for my untimely phone call. Great post. The funniest one I've read all day. Want to see a funny video? Go to
    This is my friend GG's (you know GG, right?)work blog. Although, "work" might be erroneous.

  13. Chicken -
    The phone call was indeed untimely. I had been up until something o'clock in the morning and was very tired. In fact I barely remember talking to you and am not sure how I even managed to call R. But the good news is she made it and everything worked out okay so something must have gone right.

    I am on my way to check out your friends blog now.

  14. Leave a comment. Something that she cannot give a professional answer to would do quite nicely. BTW, I fully meant to give you the Beautiful Blogger award and I forgot. That's pretty awful, I know. I was hurrying to finish. But go over and pick it up and post it proudly because you deserve it.

  15. Why thank you Chicken! I'll be sure to do that. Although I should mention I might be a little bit late in posting it because that's just how I am. Also, should I be worried that you're giving me this award just because I'm your daughter and your afraid if you don't I might stop coming home or something? Because if that's the case I want you to know you shouldn't feel obligated.

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