Thursday, June 10, 2010

Internet Crazies

So I changed my mind. I do have something to say this week. And it isn't a list. So I'm sorry. Although that may be up a little later this week as well. Anyway...

Anyone else out there encounter an over abundance of internet psychos lately? Or is it just me? I mean I know there are always crazies on the internet, but I've felt pretty safe in the blogging community... until recently.

While I was "researching" in Google Coffee Shop on embedding YouTube videos on my blog, I came across a discussion topic:

"Someone is saying slanderous things about me on the internet and Google won't remove their content!!!"

Me, being the nosy, arrogant, "If someone's talking trash about you you must have deserved it what did they say?" BITCH that I am, I simply had to know. So I clicked it. The person went on and on and on about how this other person made an entire blog dedicated to ruining this person.

Me: *cue Evil snickering laugh* I have GOT to see this.

So the crazy that can't get slanderous things removed from the web, actually provided the link to the so called slanderous website. Of course I clicked. How could I help myself.

I was hugely disappointed. There was no back and forth banter of:

Crazy #1: BITCH!
Crazy #2: SLUT!
Crazy #1: BITCH SLUT!

I was really looking forward to that. I'm sick and I have problems I know. These are the things that amuse me. Instead was the LONGEST most DRAGGED on REPETITIVE post I'd ever seen about how this person (Crazy #2 & blog writer) was simply defending herself from the attacks of Crazy #1 (who can't get slanderous things being said about her removed from the internet.) It was awful.

Crazy #1 apparently contacted all the people who posted on Crazy #2's Cockadoodle business website, (yes, cockadoodle), under over ONE HUNDRED known aliases saying not to buy from Crazy #2 because she raises her dogs in a metal tin shed and if you don't buy her puppies she sends them to a puppy mill to be turned into glue. Or something. It was ridiculous. A little further reading revealed that Crazy #1 and Crazy #2 are actually sisters. Dear Jesus. This is insane.

Ever seen any of the Transformers movies? You know at the end when they're battling and taking out like every building in sight? As if the world were their playground? That's how it felt. Like watching Crazy #1 and Crazy #2 hurl each other into buildings all over the internet city and wrecking it for the rest of us because they can't KEEP IT TO THEM FUCKING SELVES!!

Then on 20 Something Bloggers there's this poor girl who wrote about eTextbooks and now old men won't stop harassing her with irrelevant comments about her age and how "if you don't like to debate you shouldn't blog". Ummm..... okay.

Hello? Dumb ass? Yeah, unless the title of the blog is "I Love to Argue, Please Disagree with me Here," then blogging isn't for debating you fucking idiot. It's a place where you can state your opinions and if people would like to share their differing opinions then fine, but don't keep it going. If you don't like what you're reading, then don't fucking read it. Hey! Hey YOU! If you don't like it, you can just click that little X button in the upper left hand corner of your browser window! Get it? Do you? Oh good. So please SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Then another 20 Something Blogger, who definitely wins the ULTIMATE psycho blogger crazy award, responded to a discussion topic about how to lose weight. I think she responded to every single person who posted an answer. Mind you, she didn't even start the effin' discussion. She told us all how we were wrong about how to lose weight, she was the only person who was right, and ketones and catatonic states and blah blah blah. I made the mistake of clicking on her profile and blog link. As it turns out, I've met this crazy before. I hated her blog the first time I read it. And guess what? After having read it a 2nd time, I HATE IT EVEN MORE!

She is a PSYCHO!! Her motto is "smoke yourself". Ummm, yeah 'cause I wanna do that. The idea is you should spend every spare second of your time working out. You should eat an insane diet. And a woman isn't physically fit unless she looks like a man (i.e. six pack abs, broad shoulders, muscular thighs, muscular arms).

Every other post is about her hatred for fat people. She actually wrote an entire post about "Fatness Acceptance". She claims that "because people choose to be fat, it is not wrong of me to hate fat people because that is a choice they make. It isn't like being racist because you don't choose your race. You choose to be fat." She started the post by saying that "people who take up two seats on an airplane should have to pay for two seats."

This makes me really fucking angry. I'm sorry but it does. It's all I can do not to send her a nasty email. Seriously. I've been considering it. But that would probably land me in this Internet Crazies post and I can't do that to myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't take up two seats on an airplane, and I don't consider myself fat, but the fact that someone would say these things blows my mind. I don't tolerate racism or any such shit that might also qualify as racism.


1. Not every woman wants to look like a man. In fact I find women that look like men completely unattractive. While I wouldn't mind a flatter stomach, I don't want a six pack. And I'll gladly give you my broad shoulders because I hate them.

2. Not everyone thinks that their appearance is the ONLY thing that matters in life. In fact, food makes me way happier than appearance ever could. So when I CHOOSE the pint of Ben and Jerry's in the freezer instead of CHOOSING to go to bed hungry, I already know the consequences and also DON'T CARE. Doesn't that just blow your fucking mind?

3. Running marathons, working out 8 hours a day, "smoking myself" does not make me happy. Actually it makes me miserable. Do you get it now? Do you?! Not everyone's idea of happiness is identical to yours. Is it clear now? Are you catching what I'm throwing down?

4. No one reads your blog because frankly, it's the most offensive thing I've ever seen. It sickens and disgusts me.

5. You need help. You're more ignorant than a redneck with 75+ lawn ornaments and a junk yard of old trashed cars in his front dirt patch, a giant Santa Clause on his roof 365 days a year, and who drives a big old Ford truck with the those disgusting fake testicles hanging off the back.

Yeah. That's how ignorant you are.

I feel as though an apology is in order for this post. I didn't mean to go off on a rant about that last one but I find her completely infuriating. She just doesn't get it. Oh yeah, and she has like two names she identifies herself with. It's very strange.

As for all you guys... Does this offend you as well? Or is it just me? Have I completely gone over the edge on this one? Oh yeah, and since internet psychos are always fun, if you have a story about one of them feel free to leave it in the comment section.

Ok since you guys have been asking for the links to the Internet Crazies thread I'm going to post them. Don't say I didn't warn you though... (Also I couldn't figure out how to insert a lnk in the comments section so I had to do it up here. That blows.)

Crazy #2's Defensive Strategy - She actually has many many posts up about the subject but this one is the most relevant

There are other threads about how she finds fatness offensive, but these ones are good enough to make you want to puke all over her hideous man shoulders and two pack abs.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

This Is Probably Considered Cheating...

Ok so I don't have a whole lot of words to say this week. Instead I'm going to use experimentation with embedding YouTube videos as an excuse for not posting anything that would totally blow your mind! I really wanted to do this last week with the Stupid Inventions for Stupid People post, but I was clueless on how to do it so I had to reference Google Coffee Shop.

Hence the delay in fancy videos for you to watch.

ANYWAY, here are a few of my own favorite YouTube videos. I apologize if you've seen them before.

From the same guy that brought you the WTF blanket comes: The Jesus Christ Sponge!

The next one is from my favorite actor Jonah Hill in the movie Funny People! After seeing the movie I had to know if it really was on YouTube and it was!

Something you probably didn't know about me, (or maybe you did, Go You!) is that I'm a huge Ghost Hunters fan. It's a show on the SciFi channel about these plumbers from Roto-Rooter that have a ghost hunting team called TAPS (The Atlantic Paranormal Society). And guess what? They are from Rhode Island!! Isn't that awesome? Their office is like 20 minutes away from where I live! Ok back to the video:

Finally, don't ask me how I found this video... ADD probably led me to it, but anyway here's one from a guy who's completely obsessed with his cat. He has like a million videos of his cat on YouTube. It's weird. Here's the only one worth showing.

What? You didn't think that was hilarious? How come?! I almost fell off my chair with that one!! Ok maybe not. Because I'm completely random, I've decided to include a picture of my toes.

I apologize to the few male readers I have for this one. But I did these myself! By hand! They are AWESOME!!

Oh and a few words of wisdom I learned while out to dinner tonight:

Wearing your tight pants to dinner doesn't make you eat less, it only makes them tighter.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Stupid Inventions for Stupid People

So I know by now I've beat you over the head with the fact that I work at a Big Nameless Retail Store. Two or three times a year, someone invents something borderline retarded that spreads like wildfire and is sold out nationwide. It usually serves no purpose whatsoever, and is ridiculously overpriced. This has led me to a new list. Stupid Inventions. Some of them popular, others, hopefully, not so much.

I'm sure they have these kinds of inventions in other countries as well, but the ones mentioned here may be U.S. specific, so I apologize for that. For my readers outside the U.S., if you have any stupid inventions to add to the list, feel free to leave them in the comment section so everyone can check them out.

Also, so I am not sued by LIFE Magazine for plagiarism I would like to add that several of these stupid inventions were borrowed from their website. The official article can be found here.

My List of Super Stupid Inventions

Stupid Invention #189
When a leash simply doesn't do the trick:
The Dog Restrainer

Stupid Invention #526
Snuggies. Has no one ever heard of a robe? These things were sold out BNRS wide come Christmas time... And I just don't fucking get it!!! For a hilarious parody of the Snuggie, check out The WTF Blanket. This kid says it way better than I ever could.

Please folks, nobody wants to see your Snuggies in public...

Stupid Invention #871
Pixos. Formerly known as Aquadots. Which were not only a massive sell out, but a massive recall. Apparently they were made in China and contained toxic materials otherwise known as Lead. Now you can use water to stick your dots together!!!

Stupid Invention #344
Sunglasses that DON'T shade you from the sun. You know, when you only want a partial view of the world.
To Quote LIFE: "It was a bad idea then, it's a bad idea now. Sorry Kanye."

Stupid Invention #85
iPads. They are stupid. I'm sorry. No offense to iPad owners (I'm an Apple/Mac lover myself), but they are completely, irrevocably, unbelievably, unequivocally STUPID. And they are pretty much sold out all over the United States, while other countries are just itching to get their hands on one. I saw a woman at BNRS with one the other day, presumably checking the items off her shopping list. I laughed out loud at her before I could cover it up. It is insane to think that bringing your iPad shopping with you is more convenient then a pen and paper. They are smaller than regular laptops, yet a thousand times more awkward. I mean seriously, imagine sitting at your desk trying to type on your iPad. Anyway, from the same guy that gave us the WTF blanket, comes the iPad parody.

Stupid Invention #212
Wii Fits. Why hula hoop for real when you can do it virtually? Right? Right? Doesn't that sound like the most awesome idea ever? BESIDES that, you can pay a whopping $80 plus tax for this awesome virtual hula hoop, when a regular hula hoop would cost you a mere $4.99. Who needs free push ups when you can pay $80 to have a virtual coach tell you how to do them? Right? RIGHT?! A year and a half later, this moronic invention is still almost impossible to find.

Stupid Invention #475
The Certain Death Cancer Giver
When one cigarette simply isn't enough...

Stupid Invention #452
How to Lose All Your Friends in 5 Minutes or Less:

You know, just in case you aren't already a complete loser.

Stupid Invention #902
Snuggies for Dogs. If your dog doesn't hate you already, he/she will after you force them to wear this. I'd give you an awesome link to a parody commercial of this, but the real commercial does a pretty good job of being just plain idiotic on its own. The Snuggie for Dogs' only selling point is that other dog sweaters are "too tight fitting, and too hard to put on your dog." If the mood compels you, check them out here.

Stupid Invention #660
The Baby Cage.
Just in case you're having a Michael Jackson moment...
Now you can do it the safe way!!

Stupid Invention #378
Bakugan. I still don't entirely understand this one. They're like little balls boys throw at each other while slapping "battle cards" down on the table. Then little plastic "Bakugan" pop out of the ball or something and they battle. Or something. These were sold out for like six months straight. A lot of disappointed kids did not get a Baku-ball under their Christmas tree that year. Can someone explain these to me? I really DON'T get them.

Stupid Invention #117
Zhu Zhu Pets. Are like motorized Furby's that don't talk. Apparently they make "hamster noises". Also, (from the official Zhu Zhu Pet site) I thought this was hilarious:

CAUTION: Motorized wheel toys have the potential for hair entanglement

To prevent entanglement, keep hair away from wheels.

If hair gets caught by winding around a wheel, simply stop the wheel by firmly grabbing it. Next, press the back or head button once to stop motor from running. Next, slowly unwind hair from axle by turning the wheel by hand.

Zhu Zhu Hamsters™ are not designed to be a sleep toy, remove the batteries if your child wishes to take it to bed.

Also from the official Zhu Zhu Pet site are the instructions:

This was sold out for so long that I actually didn't even know we carried them at BNRS because I'd never even seen one on the shelf.

Stupid Invention #2
The Hubbard Electrometer:

LIFE says: "L. Ron Hubbard uses his Hubbard Electrometer to determine wether tomatoes experience pain, 1968. His work led him to the conclusion that tomatoes 'scream when sliced.'"

Stupid Invention #1

Goofy/Silly Bands. Are currently impossible to find. And for 4.99 you can get a whole package of 24 ridiculously shaped rubber bands. I'd like to add a few quotes from the website:

What are Silly Bands?

Silly Bandz are silicone rubber band bracelets that come in various shapes including basic, zoo animal, pet animal, dinosaur, sea creature, holiday, alphabet, princess, western and (seasonally) swim suit. Each pack of silly bands contains 24 pieces in 6 different styles, with the exception of the alphabet pack which contains 36 pieces. These silly rubber band bracelets are fun for all ages!

What is so special about rubber band bracelets?

The silly rubber band bracelets are special in a very important way. You can slide these silicone bracelets on your wrist and, when you remove them, they pop back into their original shape! Is that cool or what?

What can I do with my Silly Bands?

The possibilities here are endless! We have seen people wear Silly Bandz as bracelets, make them into a necklace or earrings, flick them at others, trade them, collect them, wrap them around important papers or love notes, use them to put hair in a pony tail, create an animal rubber band farm, and many other cool applications.

This is some kind of sick joke right? For 4.99 plus tax or shipping and handling you can get a package of 24 rubber bands in a ridiculous shape such as a car, plane, or ice cream cone, that you can, and I quote "wrap around important papers or love notes".

Why? Why? WHY?!!!

At the risk of being redundant I'm going to end this post with another: