Friday, April 30, 2010

Where has all the funny gone?

Wow. I've made it an entire 3 days into my blogging career. Yay! for not giving up. It has occurred to me that I need readers though. It has also occurred to me that it seems silly to look for readers when I haven't given them much to read. Conversely, it seems silly to write if you have no readers. Since I am forced to either ignore one of these simple facts or give up blogging entirely, I've decided to ignore the fact that I have no readers, and go on writing as if the entire world was hinging on my every word.

I spent the better part of this morning on a hunt to gain even one follower. I've already tried Friend. Her computer broke. She has a Microsoft computer. Microsoft is shit. Sorry Bill. I made the switch to Apple about 3 years ago and I'll never go back. That is not to say I love everything about Macs, but since I've owned mine I've never had to say "My computer is broken." This is way off subject I know. I have A.D.D.. My boyfriend would argue that it's actually A.D.H.D., but he's not a doctor.


I tried the Google Coffee Shop. I want to post my blog on one of those "You read mine, I'll read yours" threads. But all the good ones with lots and lots of activity, seem to have been "answered" and are no longer open for replies. Google Coffee Shop, you are also shit.

My mom, The Chicken's Consigliere, (the only blog I currently follow, you should check it out too) says the best way to get readers is to follow other people's blogs and leave comments. Since Mom is always right, I started a very long search for an even remotely interesting blog that I wouldn't mind following. I checked out a lot of blogs on Google Coffee Shop in those threads that won't allow me to "answer" the non-existent questions there.

I found blogs about being physically fit and losing weight. This seems a little strange to me. If I was interested in losing weight or being physically fit, my ass wouldn't be plunked on the couch searching for blogs. It would be outside or at the gym instead.

I found a blog about a British guy who has apparently had a disastrous dating life. I read one of his posts and the only thing funny about it was the part where he told his date he was going to the bathroom and then ditched her at the table. While the rest of his story was mildly entertaining, Plenty of Fish already has 762 followers. And since large crowds make me nauseous, I decided to move on.

I also found a Diary of a Fat Chick. While it was nice to find someone in the world wide web who could make a joke out of her... um... fatness... I couldn't find anything interesting on the site.

I found an Indian guy, I think, (and I mean Indian, not Native American) whose blog I nearly subscribed to. He had a funny story about some test he went to take, a girl he met at the test, and then proceeded to take to lunch. My problem with this one was that the story in itself wasn't that funny, but more the way he worded things. For example, I think "Should we hire an auto?" really means "Want to take a taxi?" but I'm not really sure. I have a feeling english is his second language. This would be fine - and more power to him, (I can speak two languages too, if you count Spanglish) - except that subscribing to a site because you think their english is funny is for lack of a better term, Fucked Up. (Not that I'm denying being Fucked Up, it's just that my Fucked Uppedness is generally reserved for myself, friends, family and boyfriend only.) Deciding that Stirrup King deserved another chance, (and generally feeling guilty about thinking his english was humorous, because truthfully it's pretty good) I clicked on a different post in his blog. Someone named Rajnikanth came into the story and killed a bee with his flying sword. Feeling more than a little dazed and confused, I decided to move on.

Next I found my way onto a blog about a girl who had apparently just been dumped. The content of her blog was borderline insane. It was in fact so horrifying, that I was actually compelled to continue reading the entirety of the content of her site. (Lucky me, there were only 3 posts.) While some of it was indeed funny, (i.e. the pervert named Brian she met online and was thinking she liked and then blocked a mere 30 hours after meeting him) I felt it was wrong to follow her blog when I would be laughing at her and not with her. She's probably not even laughing. Also, just in case the "I follow you, you follow me" scheme actually works, I really didn't want this mentally unstable person leaving comments on my blog.

Then there was Sexy Bitchy Fabulous. She looked like she was semi-normal. But her posts were mostly pictures, and the few words she had on the page weren't that interesting. She should just get a Facebook.

Thus, I gave up.

Maybe I'll try some of the followers on my Mom's blog. We have similar tastes, so maybe I'll get lucky.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


So unfortunately I didn't return home with a super awesome story to blog about. :(


I've been thinking. (Imagine that!)

My life is super disorganized. It's something I live with everyday, and every few months or so something really shitty happens due to my massive lack of organizational skills and I resolve to fix it. So, I go out, I waste all kinds of money on planners and folders, and I fill them up with everything I could possibly need! And then... I usually never look at them again. YAY for organization!

Mom keeps telling me to make lists. And since Moms have this ridiculously annoying habit of being right all the time (someday I'll figure out how she does it), I've decided to take her advice. I know she'll be proud. :P

The Bitch List

Bitch #947
Red lights.

Bitch #2052
People who walk too slow.

Bitch #146
People who wear boots that look like Sasquatch feet. People who think boots that look like Sasquatch feet are cute. People who wear boots that look like Sasquatch feet in the summertime. People who invented boots that look like Sasquatch feet. People who sell boots that look like Sasquatch feet. Parents who buy Sasquatch feet boots for their kids and let them wear them on any day other than Halloween.

Bitch #322
When someone parks their POS FUBAR car within three feet of mine.

Bitch #780
People who feel they need to warn me about the dangers of smoking, like they weren't already written all over the effin package.

Bitch #1134
Guys who ask girls out and then a) treat said girls like shit after said girl says to said guy "I have a boyfriend." or b) makes said girl feel guilty for saying "I have a boyfriend." when said guy says "It's okay. I know you don't really have a boyfriend. You're just being nice." umm WTF! Are you saying I can't get a boyfriend?

Bitch #402
People who shop at giant nameless retail stores. People who shop at giant nameless retail stores and think I am their personal shopper. People who TRY to shop at giant nameless retail stores through the phone.

Bitch #229
Ordering coffee from a menu that's not written in English while standing in America. Anybody know what the hell a venti is anyway? Don't answer that.

Bitch #555
George Bush. The morons that voted for George Bush. The jerk offs that voted for George Bush twice. The idiots who now deny ever having voted for George Bush (I mean come on guys, he had to have gotten elected somehow).

Bitch #194
People who think Rhode Island is really an island.

Bitch #2011
People who follow me around the college parking lot just so they can be first in line for my parking space. (Jokes on them anyway because I just sit in my car... doing nothing... until they are late for class or leave.)

Bitch #1764
People who think that flicking that little lever on the left hand side of their steering wheel up or down to indicate the direction they're turning in is tantamount to rocket science.

Bitch #648
People who speed past me just so they can beat me to the red light.

Bitch #32

Bitch #117
People who order enough food for a buffet at the Drive-Thru.

Bitch #631
People who stand in the hallway, listening to obnoxiously loud music and playing air guitar, while I try to get my way-more-expensive-than-necessary-education on.

Bitch #900
Vegetarians. (I'm sorry, I'm all for the Humane Society but there's just something inhuman a person who can't enjoy a good steak.)

Bitch #793
People who can't count.

Bitch #1590
iPads. I just don't get it.

Being stuck behind a school bus when you're already late to class.

Bitch #478
People who cut me off just so they can sit in front of me in traffic.

Bitch #265
Somehow we can put a man on the moon, but can't make junk food healthy. w.t.f.

Bitch #9023
People who think that Applebee's is a fancy restaurant. I won't insult anyone here by throwing in the people that think Taco Bell is a fancy restaurant. They probably can't read anyway.

Bitch #87
People who think they are smarter than me.

Bitch #1
People who are smarter than me.

A Short Introduction to Me

So here it is. I've finally given in and decided to create an online diary otherwise known as a blog. We'll see how it goes... As a general rule of thumb I tend to give things up after a few months, mostly because I'm lazy, but let's pretend it's because I have such a fabulous social life that I'm just too busy for it. Ha. Ha.

So I know you must be wondering about me because if you weren't you wouldn't be here right? Hmm.. where to start?

Well, I'm 23 years old. I live in a little known state called Rhode Island (yes, it IS a state, and no, it is NOT part of New York). I'm currently attending college, which contrary to popular belief is much easier than high school (at least thus far anyway). I work part time for a giant retail store which shall remain nameless - with the kind of karma I carry around, they would find my blog, identify me, and consequently fire me for the hundreds of thousands of insults I'm likely to throw their way. (Trust me, if I thought life would be better anywhere else I'd have left like 3 years ago!) I'm dating a guy who's my complete opposite in more ways than I ever thought imaginable, but for the most part we get along pretty good. I have one good friend, I call her "friend". I'm generally sarcastic, relatively pessimistic, and whining is probably the only past time I ever stuck with my whole life.

Oh yeah, and I drive a red mustang convertible.. His name is Bruce. As in Bruce Wayne. Bruce Wayne as in Batman.

I suppose that's me in a nutshell.. Not the best blog ever yet... but I'm also super competitive so I'm sure eventually that's what I'll be working towards...

Anyway I'm running late for work... Again. Maybe I'll come home with a super awesome story I can update my "eventual best blog ever" with.