All I Want for my Birthday is an Elvis

Hey everyone! I know, I know, it's been almost a week since I updated my blog. Sorry if I've disappointed anyone (Chicken). Truthfully I've been suffering from a little bit of writer's block. After the whole Jagaloon thing I was going to make a list of urban slang terms, but most of them are either incredibly dirty or derogatory, and not at all funny. So I scrapped that one. So no list this week. Sorry again.

Anyway, recently I went with Friend to run some errands. She has four dogs, and she needed to go to the pet store to buy some supplies. Of course, you can't go into a pet store without looking at the pets. There were all kinds of pretty fish, kittens, gerbils, rats, mice, snakes, spiders, scorpions, and... TORTOISES!! Isn't that awesome? A tortoise! Who would've thought of having a tortoise for a pet?

So I decided this was the perfect pet for me. Mr. Wonderful's apartment is not big enough for a cat or dog. You can't play with a fish. Snakes require live food. Mice tend to escape from their cages (I know from personal experience, Chicken can appreciate that). Gerbils and hamsters bite. But a tortoise. What could a tortoise do? They can't run away. They eat lettuce. I suppose they could bite but why would they do that when they can just hide in their shell? (Or can they?)

After a long day of looking at tortoises I eventually decided that I cannot live without one. When I came home, I mentioned this idea to Mr. Wonderful. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: I think we should get a pet.

MW: Oh really? And what kind of pet do you want?

Me: I want a tortoise.

MW: No fuckin' way.

Me: (whining) But why not?! They don't smell. They can't run away. They're low maintenance, and they wouldn't take up much space!

MW: They live too long.

Me: I know but that's awesome! I would never have to hold a tortoise funeral! He would be my bestest buddy. I would name him Elvis. I would get him a little pink dog carrier and bring him everywhere with me. And people couldn't even complain about it because nobody ever has a "No Tortoises Allowed" sign on the door! Then I would get him a leash. We would go for walks together. I could put him in my locker at work! He'd fit right in! When he needs exercise I'll just put him in the yard. It'll be GREAT!!!

MW: (Eyebrow raised. Saying nothing.)

Me: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T WANT A TORTOISE!! Anyway - that's the only thing I want for my birthday. And if I don't get one I'll cry. So there.

My birthday is in September. I'll be patiently waiting for an Elvis. And if Mr. Wonderful doesn't get me one, I'm asking Chicken...