Saturday, May 22, 2010

All I Want for my Birthday is an Elvis

Hey everyone! I know, I know, it's been almost a week since I updated my blog. Sorry if I've disappointed anyone (Chicken). Truthfully I've been suffering from a little bit of writer's block. After the whole Jagaloon thing I was going to make a list of urban slang terms, but most of them are either incredibly dirty or derogatory, and not at all funny. So I scrapped that one. So no list this week. Sorry again.

Anyway, recently I went with Friend to run some errands. She has four dogs, and she needed to go to the pet store to buy some supplies. Of course, you can't go into a pet store without looking at the pets. There were all kinds of pretty fish, kittens, gerbils, rats, mice, snakes, spiders, scorpions, and... TORTOISES!! Isn't that awesome? A tortoise! Who would've thought of having a tortoise for a pet?

So I decided this was the perfect pet for me. Mr. Wonderful's apartment is not big enough for a cat or dog. You can't play with a fish. Snakes require live food. Mice tend to escape from their cages (I know from personal experience, Chicken can appreciate that). Gerbils and hamsters bite. But a tortoise. What could a tortoise do? They can't run away. They eat lettuce. I suppose they could bite but why would they do that when they can just hide in their shell? (Or can they?)

After a long day of looking at tortoises I eventually decided that I cannot live without one. When I came home, I mentioned this idea to Mr. Wonderful. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: I think we should get a pet.

MW: Oh really? And what kind of pet do you want?

Me: I want a tortoise.

MW: No fuckin' way.

Me: (whining) But why not?! They don't smell. They can't run away. They're low maintenance, and they wouldn't take up much space!

MW: They live too long.

Me: I know but that's awesome! I would never have to hold a tortoise funeral! He would be my bestest buddy. I would name him Elvis. I would get him a little pink dog carrier and bring him everywhere with me. And people couldn't even complain about it because nobody ever has a "No Tortoises Allowed" sign on the door! Then I would get him a leash. We would go for walks together. I could put him in my locker at work! He'd fit right in! When he needs exercise I'll just put him in the yard. It'll be GREAT!!!

MW: (Eyebrow raised. Saying nothing.)

Me: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T WANT A TORTOISE!! Anyway - that's the only thing I want for my birthday. And if I don't get one I'll cry. So there.

My birthday is in September. I'll be patiently waiting for an Elvis. And if Mr. Wonderful doesn't get me one, I'm asking Chicken...


  1. :D That was incredibly epic.

    I hope you get your Elvis!

  2. Oh, I always wanted a pet turtle when I was younger, but my mom always said no because they can carry salmonella. I should totally buy one for myself now that I'm an adult.

    Well, once I'm home from this traveling thing that is!

    Hope you get an Elvis!

  3. Hahaha

    When I was a kid I totally had a pet turtle named Shelly. She ran away. I'm still kinda sad about it.

    I hope you get an Elvis :D

  4. Okay, I had two turtle when I was nine, Tippy and Tina. They were wonderful and I loved them but guess what.......

    they DO smell. When you are not adament about cleaning the cage it smells like dirty gross stagnating water.

    But I loved the damn turtles!

  5. Thanks for the advice Amber. I'm not going to tell MW that though...

  6. Awww little Elvis needs a mommy & daddy! I almost was able to get a puppy by using that line the other day...
    And seriously they live too long- what a horrible excuse!

  7. hi there, you're back! as much as i wanna give you a pet for your bday, all i can afford right now is a blog award. i'm not sure if you're fond of memes, but just in case, check this post, i got you a super comments award. it's for bubbly bloggers like you. :)

  8. that is awsome "I CANT BELIEVE YOU DONT WANT A TORTOISE", random scream to anyone passing by

  9. Aww thanks janjan! It's my first award!!

    SJ - I know right? I'm totally just going to start yelling that out the window of my car at random strangers!

  10. Yes! Thanks for commenting on my blog. I know we are going to get along just beautifully because I 1. LOVE tortoises (and simple box turtles for that matter, you should talk to your man about that cause they are tiny and yes they may have some diseases or whatever, but they are adorable and you can enter them in turtle races) and 2. Elvis is the perfect name. I will follow you now, congratulations.

  11. I saw your post on 20sb. just thought I'd pop in and say I read some of your entries and I enjoyed them. :)

    Wishing you luck from a fellow newbie.


  12. Twist - Thanks for dropping by! Funny you say that we'll get along beautifully 'cause after having read your blog I was thinking the same thing.

    Ella - Thank you as well for stopping by! I'm on my way to check out your stuff now.

  13. S. Chicken here. I missed this one. Of course you should have a tortoise. They are great. If you had a tortoise, probably Paris Hilton would show up with one sticking out of her Prada bag next week. You could also put up a sign in your yard: Beware of Tortoise
    Hint taken, S. Mr. Wonderful take warning:-) Elvis will be in the building, so stock up on peanut butter and bananas, matey.

  14. LalaLauren. Did you say your tortoise ran away? hahaha.