Stupid Inventions for Stupid People

So I know by now I've beat you over the head with the fact that I work at a Big Nameless Retail Store. Two or three times a year, someone invents something borderline retarded that spreads like wildfire and is sold out nationwide. It usually serves no purpose whatsoever, and is ridiculously overpriced. This has led me to a new list. Stupid Inventions. Some of them popular, others, hopefully, not so much.

I'm sure they have these kinds of inventions in other countries as well, but the ones mentioned here may be U.S. specific, so I apologize for that. For my readers outside the U.S., if you have any stupid inventions to add to the list, feel free to leave them in the comment section so everyone can check them out.

Also, so I am not sued by LIFE Magazine for plagiarism I would like to add that several of these stupid inventions were borrowed from their website. The official article can be found here.

My List of Super Stupid Inventions

Stupid Invention #189

When a leash simply doesn't do the trick:

The Dog Restrainer

Stupid Invention #526

Snuggies. Has no one ever heard of a robe? These things were sold out BNRS wide come Christmas time... And I just don't fucking get it!!! For a hilarious parody of the Snuggie, check out The WTF Blanket. This kid says it way better than I ever could.

Please folks, nobody wants to see your Snuggies in public...

Stupid Invention #871

Pixos. Formerly known as Aquadots. Which were not only a massive sell out, but a massive recall. Apparently they were made in China and contained toxic materials otherwise known as Lead. Now you can use water to stick your dots together!!!

Stupid Invention #344

Sunglasses that DON'T shade you from the sun. You know, when you only want a partial view of the world.

To Quote LIFE: "It was a bad idea then, it's a bad idea now. Sorry Kanye."

Stupid Invention #85

iPads. They are stupid. I'm sorry. No offense to iPad owners (I'm an Apple/Mac lover myself), but they are completely, irrevocably, unbelievably, unequivocally STUPID. And they are pretty much sold out all over the United States, while other countries are just itching to get their hands on one. I saw a woman at BNRS with one the other day, presumably checking the items off her shopping list. I laughed out loud at her before I could cover it up. It is insane to think that bringing your iPad shopping with you is more convenient then a pen and paper. They are smaller than regular laptops, yet a thousand times more awkward. I mean seriously, imagine sitting at your desk trying to type on your iPad. Anyway, from the same guy that gave us the WTF blanket, comes the iPad parody.

Stupid Invention #212

Wii Fits. Why hula hoop for real when you can do it virtually? Right? Right? Doesn't that sound like the most awesome idea ever? BESIDES that, you can pay a whopping $80 plus tax for this awesome virtual hula hoop, when a regular hula hoop would cost you a mere $4.99. Who needs free push ups when you can pay $80 to have a virtual coach tell you how to do them? Right? RIGHT?! A year and a half later, this moronic invention is still almost impossible to find.

Stupid Invention #475

The Certain Death Cancer Giver

When one cigarette simply isn't enough...

Stupid Invention #452

How to Lose All Your Friends in 5 Minutes or Less:

You know, just in case you aren't already a complete loser.

Stupid Invention #902

Snuggies for Dogs. If your dog doesn't hate you already, he/she will after you force them to wear this. I'd give you an awesome link to a parody commercial of this, but the real commercial does a pretty good job of being just plain idiotic on its own. The Snuggie for Dogs' only selling point is that other dog sweaters are "too tight fitting, and too hard to put on your dog." If the mood compels you, check them out here.

Stupid Invention #660

The Baby Cage.

Just in case you're having a Michael Jackson moment...

Now you can do it the safe way!!

Stupid Invention #378

Bakugan. I still don't entirely understand this one. They're like little balls boys throw at each other while slapping "battle cards" down on the table. Then little plastic "Bakugan" pop out of the ball or something and they battle. Or something. These were sold out for like six months straight. A lot of disappointed kids did not get a Baku-ball under their Christmas tree that year. Can someone explain these to me? I really DON'T get them.

Stupid Invention #117

Zhu Zhu Pets. Are like motorized Furby's that don't talk. Apparently they make "hamster noises". Also, (from the official Zhu Zhu Pet site) I thought this was hilarious:

CAUTION: Motorized wheel toys have the potential for hair entanglement

To prevent entanglement, keep hair away from wheels.

If hair gets caught by winding around a wheel, simply stop the wheel by firmly grabbing it. Next, press the back or head button once to stop motor from running. Next, slowly unwind hair from axle by turning the wheel by hand.

Zhu Zhu Hamsters™ are not designed to be a sleep toy, remove the batteries if your child wishes to take it to bed.

Also from the official Zhu Zhu Pet site are the instructions:

This was sold out for so long that I actually didn't even know we carried them at BNRS because I'd never even seen one on the shelf.

Stupid Invention #2

The Hubbard Electrometer:

LIFE says: "L. Ron Hubbard uses his Hubbard Electrometer to determine wether tomatoes experience pain, 1968. His work led him to the conclusion that tomatoes 'scream when sliced.'"

Stupid Invention #1

Goofy/Silly Bands. Are currently impossible to find. And for 4.99 you can get a whole package of 24 ridiculously shaped rubber bands. I'd like to add a few quotes from the website:

What are Silly Bands?

Silly Bandz are silicone rubber band bracelets that come in various shapes including basic, zoo animal, pet animal, dinosaur, sea creature, holiday, alphabet, princess, western and (seasonally) swim suit. Each pack of silly bands contains 24 pieces in 6 different styles, with the exception of the alphabet pack which contains 36 pieces. These silly rubber band bracelets are fun for all ages!

What is so special about rubber band bracelets?

The silly rubber band bracelets are special in a very important way. You can slide these silicone bracelets on your wrist and, when you remove them, they pop back into their original shape! Is that cool or what?

What can I do with my Silly Bands?

The possibilities here are endless! We have seen people wear Silly Bandz as bracelets, make them into a necklace or earrings, flick them at others, trade them, collect them, wrap them around important papers or love notes, use them to put hair in a pony tail, create an animal rubber band farm, and many other cool applications.

This is some kind of sick joke right? For 4.99 plus tax or shipping and handling you can get a package of 24 rubber bands in a ridiculous shape such as a car, plane, or ice cream cone, that you can, and I quote "wrap around important papers or love notes".

Why? Why? WHY?!!!

At the risk of being redundant I'm going to end this post with another:

"I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!"

A Little More About Canada...

Okay, I have to admit I've been reluctant to post anything new because everyone seems to like Effed Up Google Searches, and it seems to have gained me a few readers (thanks in large part to Chicken, who has many followers and gave me some free advertising). Also, I'm now not sure I can top this. Since my only options are ending the blog now, or to continue on, I've decided to continue on.

So I've mentioned a few times that I work for a Big Nameless Retail Store (BNRS). I encounter a lot of stupid people working here. It slowly chips away at my faith in humanity day by day. Most often the stupid people are the people that shop there. For example, a typical dialogue at the BNRS might go a little something like this:

Guest: "Maybe you can help me, I'm looking for this thing."

Me: (*inwardly rolling eyes and sighing*) "What kind of thing would that be?"

Guest: "Well... I saw it on TV the other day."

Me: (*mentally banging head against wall*) "There are lots of things advertised on TV, can you be a little more specific?"

Guest: (*Clearly thinking very hard*) "Well... It does that thing, and it has a little stick attached to it, and you can change the thing, and it might have been green."

Me: (*Mentally gouging my own eyes out with a fork*) "Ook-"

Guest: "Or Pink. Actually it comes in a few different colors."

Me: (*Now outwardly sighing, and biting my lip to keep from screaming*) "Is this a thing you saw on a TV commercial? Or was it an infomercial advertised by Billy Mayes?"

Guest: "No no no. It definitely wasn't advertised by Billy Mayes." (*Getting agitated now*)

Me: (*Blood pressure reaching it's boiling point*) "Well what does it do? Is it hardware? Is it home storage? Does it clean? Is it an electronic device?!"

Guest: (*Clearly having an Aha! moment*) "Yeah that's it, it cleans!"

Me: (*More inward eye rolling*) "Ok. Is it a vacuum cleaner? Is it a steamer? A mop? A broom??"

Guest: "Well... It's kind of like a vacuum cleaner, and kind of like a broom. But not really like either of these things at all."

Me: (*Having my own Aha! moment because these kinds of conversations happen all the time*) "You sir/ma'am (moron), are looking for a Swiffer Sweeper."

Guest: "Yeah, yeah! That's it! A Swifter Sweeper!" (*Becoming giddy with excitement*)

Me: "I think you mean a Swiffer Sweeper. They're in aisle A7."

Guest: "That's what I said. A Swifter Sweeper!" (*Shaking his/her head at me*)

Me: "Great. Well have a nice day." (*Practically runs outside for cigarette before Idiotic Guest can ask me what else is on his/her idiotic shopping list*)

Recently another conversation went like this:

MB (Works in Electronics): "So that should be everything you need to get your ipod ready to go."

Guest: (*Eyes getting wide, big smile on his face*) "Why thank you! You jagaloon!"

MB says this happened in all seriousness. Can someone please explain to me what the fuck a jagaloon is?

Sometimes I wonder how people even manage to get themselves dressed in the morning. Honestly. Recently though, guests haven't been the only stupid thing stalking me at BNRS. I also work with a couple people who clearly "don't know their ass from last Tuesday" (Billy Bob - Bad Santa). We at BNRS in Warwick, work with someone very special. Let's call her CW.

CW: (*Running up to me, hands waving wildly in the air*) "S! S! I'm so glad you're here!"

Me: (*More sighing and eye rolling*) "What is it now, CW?"

CW: "You'll never believe what I found out today!"

Me: "What would that be CW?"

CW: "Did you know that Mexico is part of North America?"

Me: (*Practically rolling on the floor laughing my ass off*) "You're kidding right?"

CW: "No, no. And you know what else? Canada is part of North America too!"

Me: (*Slapping forehead*) "CW. People generally learn these things in the 2nd grade. You are 21 years old. Where the hell have you been?"

CW: "Can you believe that? I'm so mad. Americans are the only ones who are supposed to be Americans."

Me: (*Mouth hanging wide open, possibly going into shock*)

CW: "I mean who do they think they are? Canadians can't be Americans too."

Me: "CW, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I suppose then, you're not aware that there is a South America and a Central America as well?"

CW: "Of course I knew that. I'm not stupid."

Umm. YEAH. That's debatable.

In case you were wondering, CW went on to tell me that she's very smart, with an above average IQ. I went on to tell her that generally people with above average IQs don't have problems identifying continents. Her reply was that she was book smart, not common sense smart. (*Again, more head banging*) I also gave her a geography lesson and explained the difference between a country and a continent.

At the risk of putting off a few readers with another ridiculous movie quote, I'd like to end this with:

"I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!"

P.S. I finished exams this week and classes are all done for the semester. For those of you who care, my grades have been posted for Western History and Quantitative Business Analysis (a fancy term for Algebra III?). They are both A's. I also pretty much have a guaranteed A in Accounting. So keep your fingers crossed for me, because I'm a little unsure about Microeconomics!