Okay, I have to admit I've been reluctant to post anything new because everyone seems to like Effed Up Google Searches, and it seems to have gained me a few readers (thanks in large part to Chicken, who has many followers and gave me some free advertising). Also, I'm now not sure I can top this. Since my only options are ending the blog now, or to continue on, I've decided to continue on.
Guest: "Maybe you can help me, I'm looking for this thing."
Me: (*inwardly rolling eyes and sighing*) "What kind of thing would that be?"
Guest: "Well... I saw it on TV the other day."
Me: (*mentally banging head against wall*) "There are lots of things advertised on TV, can you be a little more specific?"
Guest: (*Clearly thinking very hard*) "Well... It does that thing, and it has a little stick attached to it, and you can change the thing, and it might have been green."
Me: (*Mentally gouging my own eyes out with a fork*) "Ook-"
Guest: "Or Pink. Actually it comes in a few different colors."
Me: (*Now outwardly sighing, and biting my lip to keep from screaming*) "Is this a thing you saw on a TV commercial? Or was it an infomercial advertised by Billy Mayes?"
Guest: "No no no. It definitely wasn't advertised by Billy Mayes." (*Getting agitated now*)
Me: (*Blood pressure reaching it's boiling point*) "Well what does it do? Is it hardware? Is it home storage? Does it clean? Is it an electronic device?!"
Guest: (*Clearly having an Aha! moment*) "Yeah that's it, it cleans!"
Me: (*More inward eye rolling*) "Ok. Is it a vacuum cleaner? Is it a steamer? A mop? A broom??"
Guest: "Well... It's kind of like a vacuum cleaner, and kind of like a broom. But not really like either of these things at all."
Me: (*Having my own Aha! moment because these kinds of conversations happen all the time*) "You sir/ma'am (moron), are looking for a Swiffer Sweeper."
Guest: "Yeah, yeah! That's it! A Swifter Sweeper!" (*Becoming giddy with excitement*)
Me: "I think you mean a Swiffer Sweeper. They're in aisle A7."
Guest: "That's what I said. A Swifter Sweeper!" (*Shaking his/her head at me*)
Me: "Great. Well have a nice day." (*Practically runs outside for cigarette before Idiotic Guest can ask me what else is on his/her idiotic shopping list*)
Recently another conversation went like this:
MB (Works in Electronics): "So that should be everything you need to get your ipod ready to go."
Guest: (*Eyes getting wide, big smile on his face*) "Why thank you! You jagaloon!"
MB says this happened in all seriousness. Can someone please explain to me what the fuck a jagaloon is?
Sometimes I wonder how people even manage to get themselves dressed in the morning. Honestly. Recently though, guests haven't been the only stupid thing stalking me at BNRS. I also work with a couple people who clearly "don't know their ass from last Tuesday" (Billy Bob - Bad Santa). We at BNRS in Warwick, work with someone very special. Let's call her CW.
CW: (*Running up to me, hands waving wildly in the air*) "S! S! I'm so glad you're here!"
Me: (*More sighing and eye rolling*) "What is it now, CW?"
CW: "You'll never believe what I found out today!"
Me: "What would that be CW?"
CW: "Did you know that Mexico is part of North America?"
Me: (*Practically rolling on the floor laughing my ass off*) "You're kidding right?"
CW: "No, no. And you know what else? Canada is part of North America too!"
Me: (*Slapping forehead*) "CW. People generally learn these things in the 2nd grade. You are 21 years old. Where the hell have you been?"
CW: "Can you believe that? I'm so mad. Americans are the only ones who are supposed to be Americans."
Me: (*Mouth hanging wide open, possibly going into shock*)
CW: "I mean who do they think they are? Canadians can't be Americans too."
Me: "CW, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I suppose then, you're not aware that there is a South America and a Central America as well?"
CW: "Of course I knew that. I'm not stupid."
Umm. YEAH. That's debatable.
In case you were wondering, CW went on to tell me that she's very smart, with an above average IQ. I went on to tell her that generally people with above average IQs don't have problems identifying continents. Her reply was that she was book smart, not common sense smart. (*Again, more head banging*) I also gave her a geography lesson and explained the difference between a country and a continent.
At the risk of putting off a few readers with another ridiculous movie quote, I'd like to end this with:
"I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!"
P.S. I finished exams this week and classes are all done for the semester. For those of you who care, my grades have been posted for Western History and Quantitative Business Analysis (a fancy term for Algebra III?). They are both A's. I also pretty much have a guaranteed A in Accounting. So keep your fingers crossed for me, because I'm a little unsure about Microeconomics!
