Ergh!!! Attack of the Space Invaders!!

No I haven't lost my mind. And no, I'm not talking about E.T. Nor am I referring to the video game. Or the movie. (Was that a movie?) I'm talking about those strangers you meet everyday who have no idea what the terms "personal space" or "get the fuck out of my space bubble" mean. You know the ones.

The ones behind you in line at Dunkin' Donuts who think that just because you move your big toe an inch forward the line has advanced and they can now move two feet forward.

The ones who are about to drive their front bumper up your tailpipe while sitting in traffic.

The ones who for every step you back away from them, take another step forward.

The ones who give you unwanted hugs and handshakes.

The ones at BNRSs (Big Nameless Retail Stores) who think that in order for you to hear their question they must have their face an entire two inches away from yours.

They are often creepy and sometimes smell bad and are always stupid.

I am plagued by Space Invaders. Perhaps this is because my personal space bubble is so big. I mean like, if I am not on a first name basis with you, or haven't seen you in five years, then you should be standing a full 5 feet away from me at any given moment. No I don't want to give you a hug. I don't care if your uncle is Jean Claude Van Damme, stay the hell away from me. Don't even try to let your shirt sleeve rub mine. If I haven't seen you in 5 years, there's probably

a reason for that. If I'm not on a first name basis with you, you should probably also assume I don't want to be. Get me?

This little plague often prevents me from enjoying simple things. For example, I am wary of going to any place that is guaranteed to have throngs upon throngs of strange people just milling about (i.e. carnivals, fairs, concerts, etc. etc. etc.). I can't even go to the beach on a Saturday because I am just certain it will be too crowded and somebody else will lay their beach towel down within two inches of mine. Next would come the small talk. Then the breathing down my neck. Then me storming home utterly pissed off that someone dare ruin my day at the beach.

Lately this problem seems to have gotten worse.

Recently a fire broke out in the basement of the most popular Dunkin' Donuts in town. So now, it seems everyone and their fucking mother is at my Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah I said it. My Dunkin' Donuts. Before tragedy struck, I never had to wait in line. I never had to place an order because the people there knew me. I simply walked in the door, and a few seconds later my coffee was on the counter. Nice and simple.

Now I walk in the door, and I stand in line. I am later and later for work every day because the line gets longer and longer. No one knows my order anymore because they had to hire so many new people to keep up with the increase in business. I have to park in the "no parking" zone because there are never any parking spaces available. And I have to fend off the Space Invaders.

The other day I was in line. Waiting as patiently as possible when one of them attacked. I was rounding the final corner to the counter and there he was. Breathing down my neck. I took a step forward. He took two. I took a step to the right. He starts leaning on the wall. Slowly, I inch my way forward, so as not to draw attention to the growing distance between us. Suddenly I find myself only inches away from the guy in front of me with Space Invader still breathing down my neck. I begin panicking. I start having heart palpitations and am finding it almost impossible to breathe. It was a mother fucking nightmare.

The next day I find myself at the deli. Waiting patiently in a far off corner for the deli guy to get me a half pound of cheese. There wasn't anymore out front so he had to go "out back" and get it. A woman pulls her shopping cart up next to mine. The other deli guy calls her number. She places an order. Since my enormous fear of Space Invasion causes me to watch everyone

carefully, I notice in my peripheral vision, that the lady is glancing down at the space directly in front of me. I look down. I made the mistake of standing in front of the flat breads and tortillas.

Space Invader: (*inching closer*)

Me: (*inching away*)

Space Invader: (*Pushing her cart into mine*)

Me: (*Turning my cart in the exact opposite direction*)

Space Invader: (*Is determined to have her cart touching my cart*)

Me: "Am I in your way?"

Space Invader: (*Smiling*) "Oh no not at all hun, I'm just looking for the low carb tortillas." (*Now standing directly next to me, leaning over the tortilla rack*)

Me: (*Mentally screaming "where the hell is that deli guy?!!*) "I think they're right there." (*Pointing directly to the low carb tortillas directly in front of where I made the mistake of standing*)

Space Invader: "Oh there they are!" (*Practically shoving me out of the way to get to the low carb tortillas.*)

Me: (*Moving farther to the left so that she doesn't run me over in her rush to gather up the low carb tortillas*)

Space Invader: (*After digging through the pile of low carb tortillas, has decided that none of them are to her liking and decides to start digging through the rest of the tortillas, and is now once again standing directly in front of me.*)

Me: "Are you sure I'm not in your way?! Because I can move." (*Eyeballing the deli area and realizing that I'm pretty much screwed if I'm standing anywhere within eyesight of the deli counter. Also suddenly realizing that 1 Space Invader is better than 3.*)

Space Invader: (*Now somehow angry at me*) "No you're fine right where you are."

Me: (*Well that's good to know, BITCH, because I was standing here FIRST!!!*)

Deli Guy: "Here's your cheese."

Me: "Thank fucking God."

Visually, it probably looked like this:

Am I the only one who suffers from this plague? Am I just weird? Is there no such thing as personal space? Is it wrong of me to become infuriated when Space Invaders' carts touch mine?

I'd like to end this with a cumulative What The Fuck.

This Post Is Long Overdue and I'm Sorry

Ok I did it again. I know. I'm sorry. It's been almost another entire week since I posted. I must be the worlds worst blogger. Do they make a pill or something to help me fix this problem? Anyone? No? Okay then. It was worth a shot.

So first things first. The wonderful and lovely janjan over at Between Me and My Thoughts has won an award for being an awesome commenter. Congratulations janjan! You deserve it. Then she went out on a limb and passed the award on to me!! Thanks so much! It's my first, and I'm so excited!

Next comes the rules. Apparently there are rules for accepting awards. I'm not always so good at following rules but I'll give it my best shot.

1. Thank person who nominated me. Check!

2. Copy the award. Paste it in my blog. Check!

3. Link to the person who gave me this award. Check!

4. Answer the 10 questions that come with the award. Huh? Oh right...

Questions:

1. Why do you blog?

Because I enjoy writing. Also because I love sharing my opinions with the world in hopes of enlightening another. (Aren't I just an arrogant bitch?) Oh yeah, and because I need a place to whine where somebody might actually listen to me and share my misery.

2. What are your 3 best memories?

When I was like 7 or so, and Christmas came. Our entire (finished) basement seemed to be filled with presents for my sister and I. And somewhere under that tree, was an original Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) complete with Super Mario Brothers 3. The best video game ever made in the history of forever. It is now stored on my Wii hard drive.

My 19th birthday I went on my first trip to Montreal. I danced all night at an after hours club after having my first legal drinks in a real bar, which was underground and totally awesome. I walked 2 miles in 4 inch heels in the blazing hot sun at 8 in the morning to drive 4 (or was it 6?) hours back home. I danced/walked so much my ankles bled and I have the scars to prove it.

A couple weeks ago the boyfriend and I went for a ride in his little honda civic. That's it. We just drove. We watched the sunset and the moon rise, and it was wonderful just being there to see it with him.

3. If you had to change your real name what would you change it to?

I don't think I would change it. While I like other names most of them are exotic and strange sounding and I don't feel they really fit me.

4. What are five things you can't live without?

1. Bruce - the 'stang. (Ok I realize it's effed up that this was the first thing that came to mind, but he is one SEXY convertible.)

2. Mr. Wonderful, Friend, My Mumma and Dadda who are always good for sharing a laugh with and can always offer a warm hug or a shoulder to cry on.

3. In-phone GPS - Seriously LOST without it.

4. Mom's cooking.

5. Video games. There I said it. I admitted it. I am a video game whore. Get over it.

5. What are the 4 best books you've ever read?

1. The Green Mile by Stephen King - This book made me buy a mouse just so I could name him Mr. Jingles. And guess what? When they escape from their cages (and they will) they don't just come scurrying back to you. This was highly disappointing. Either way, awesome book.

2. The Fever Series by Karen Marie Moning - The 1st book caused me to have my first ever crush on a completely fictional character. Jericho Barrons if you're listening, CALL ME!!

3. The Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanovich - are fucking hilarious. Stephanie Plum makes my driving record look great.

4, 5, 6, and 7. Bel Canto, The Odyssey, Pride and Prejudice, The Golden Compass Series.

Yeah I know there's actually like 30 books in that list. But I'm pretty sure I've already established that counting isn't my strong suit.

6. Tell me something unique and interesting about yourself.

If I've arrived five minutes late, you should consider me early.

7. What do you love best about yourself?

I'm short. Sometimes I stand up on a step stool and think about what it would be like to walk around at that height ALL the time. It seems like such a long way to fall and that scares me.

8. What is the best movie ever made?

1. Field of Dreams - If you build it, he will come.

2. Dances with Wolves - Surprisingly enough this coincidence has nothing to do with Kevin Costner.

3. The Green Mile - The movie was awesome too.

4. The Blind Side - Seriously the best movie I've seen in a long time. It blew Avatar out of the water.

Oh yeah, and The Hangover, just because.

9. If you had a "freaky friday" experience who would you trade places with and why?

Vin Diesel's wife. Or girlfriend. Or lover. Must I really explain why?

10. What's the best part about being a woman?

Manipulating the fact that I am of the "weaker sex" to get men to do things for me.

Have you had fun getting to know me?

That's what I thought. Back to the rules.

4. Answer the 10 questions that come with the award. Check!

5. Nominate of few of your favorite bloggers for the award.

Alright my first nomination goes to Becky over at Paper Hearts and Butterfly's. My first follower who got me started and kept me going.

My second nomination goes to Chicken, over at The Chicken's Consigliere. She recently made an entire post out of comments she left on other people's blogs. Mine included.

My third nomination goes to Fin at Curly Haired Confessions, who since she started following, hasn't failed to leave me a comment! Thanks Fin!

My fourth nomination goes to SJ at Daemons, who seems to share my twisted sense of humor. Love reading your comments SJ!

Rule number 5 - Check!

6. Post links to the bloggers you nominate. Check!

That's it!! Bloggers enjoy the awards, you earned them!

P.S. I accidentally invented a new word while writing this post because I just got home from work and am very tired. Ready for it? Whould. Isn't it great? I shortened the words "who would" into "whould". I am a fucking genius.

All I Want for my Birthday is an Elvis

Hey everyone! I know, I know, it's been almost a week since I updated my blog. Sorry if I've disappointed anyone (Chicken). Truthfully I've been suffering from a little bit of writer's block. After the whole Jagaloon thing I was going to make a list of urban slang terms, but most of them are either incredibly dirty or derogatory, and not at all funny. So I scrapped that one. So no list this week. Sorry again.

Anyway, recently I went with Friend to run some errands. She has four dogs, and she needed to go to the pet store to buy some supplies. Of course, you can't go into a pet store without looking at the pets. There were all kinds of pretty fish, kittens, gerbils, rats, mice, snakes, spiders, scorpions, and... TORTOISES!! Isn't that awesome? A tortoise! Who would've thought of having a tortoise for a pet?

So I decided this was the perfect pet for me. Mr. Wonderful's apartment is not big enough for a cat or dog. You can't play with a fish. Snakes require live food. Mice tend to escape from their cages (I know from personal experience, Chicken can appreciate that). Gerbils and hamsters bite. But a tortoise. What could a tortoise do? They can't run away. They eat lettuce. I suppose they could bite but why would they do that when they can just hide in their shell? (Or can they?)

After a long day of looking at tortoises I eventually decided that I cannot live without one. When I came home, I mentioned this idea to Mr. Wonderful. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: I think we should get a pet.

MW: Oh really? And what kind of pet do you want?

Me: I want a tortoise.

MW: No fuckin' way.

Me: (whining) But why not?! They don't smell. They can't run away. They're low maintenance, and they wouldn't take up much space!

MW: They live too long.

Me: I know but that's awesome! I would never have to hold a tortoise funeral! He would be my bestest buddy. I would name him Elvis. I would get him a little pink dog carrier and bring him everywhere with me. And people couldn't even complain about it because nobody ever has a "No Tortoises Allowed" sign on the door! Then I would get him a leash. We would go for walks together. I could put him in my locker at work! He'd fit right in! When he needs exercise I'll just put him in the yard. It'll be GREAT!!!

MW: (Eyebrow raised. Saying nothing.)

Me: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T WANT A TORTOISE!! Anyway - that's the only thing I want for my birthday. And if I don't get one I'll cry. So there.

My birthday is in September. I'll be patiently waiting for an Elvis. And if Mr. Wonderful doesn't get me one, I'm asking Chicken...